I’ve learned repeatedly in my life that whenever I give to the world, whether by direct action or donations, I get back so much more than the effort or money involved.  This is a life lesson that our kids should learn as so many of them, here in America, are living the “easy life” with no sense of the hardships most of the world has to bear and that most of mankind has historically suffered. 

One of the unexpected benefits of my writing career and now my radio show is the opportunity to meet and interact with people I’d never have otherwise encountered.  My “A Dad’s Point-of-View” Facebook page has around 2,500 “members” (or “likes” as they call it) from literally all over the world. Over 35 different countries are represented with many from Africa (why? I don’t know). 

I actively participate on my Facebook page by welcoming every member with a thank-you note and inviting their participation on the page with, for instance, the suggestion to join one of the many ongoing discussions.  On one occasion, I was invited to “chat” with some kids from Ghana.  About 20 minutes later, I discovered I was chatting with two girls, seven and ten, who lived at a school in the small city of Agona Swedru.  They were poor on a level most of us don’t understand. 

The Internet Cafe where they go to communicate with me and the "outside world."

Jesse, Eric, and Shebom

Their charm in the chat was instantaneous.  Learning that they were so young and so relatively comfortable in English only enhanced my curiosity.  But, sadly, it also arose my suspicions as people in Africa via Craigslist have scammed me in the past.  I continued the chat looking for an opening to test my cynicism.  It came up indirectly when they responded to a question of mine in expressing the wish to have more books, as they had few in their tiny school. 

I was hooked.  Between their photos, their chatting, the exchanges I had with their father, Frank, who was the founder of this school, and the information on their various Facebook pages, I believed in them.  And, I promised that my family would send them some books. The Facebook page for the kids is simply called AfricaZebras if you’d care to find them there. 

Coincidentally, my family was packing for a move to another house.  All of us have struggled to rid ourselves of our collective stashes of stuff. It brings to mind the great George Carlin routine on stuff (http://ow.ly/2jvKn). No doubt we had too much stuff!  Since these girls were in their pre-teens (mostly 7-10), many of the books my boys no longer were interested in were already too “old” for them, or too boyish. 

Sister Sheba reading Dr. Seuss in Ghana! How cool is that!?

I thought shipping a box to Africa wouldn’t be too costly until I did the research.  The cost of shipping any large box was prohibitive but I did discover that we could send a medium-sized “flat-rate” box via the U.S. Postal Service for $56, which was still not cheap, but within our means. 

Guess who got the (hand cranked) flashlight? Little Kuulu - see how little he is by noticing the adult foot on the left of the frame!

My wife went through her books and found several that were also worthwhile, we felt, to include.  I found some hand-crank flashlights, and some small chatzskies (nick-nacks) we thought they might also enjoy.  I quickly filled up two boxes and sent them off to Ghana. 

Shortly afterward, I asked David if he’d put together a box and see what other things, in addition to books, he might have to give to our new friends.  He came to my desk a couple of hours later with an over-flowing box of books, small toys, games, magazines, and assorted felt-tip colored pens.  We chose what we both believed were the best of the bunch and carefully arranged them all in the box to fit as much as possible. 

Little Jesse reading a Lego magazine - Send them Legos, please! And, stuffed animals!

While we were doing this, he looked up at me and said something like, “You know, Dad, this is a great thing you’re doing.”  I looked at him and quickly replied, “No, it’s a great thing we’re doing.” 

A couple of weeks later I heard from our new friends who were overjoyed with the first two boxes that had arrived.  They sent a bunch of photos showing them getting the boxes from the post office, carrying them home, and some of the kids reading or playing with the contents.  The photos are worth more than the small cost to us of sending the three boxes.  You can find them and my first writing about this on my website (http://bit.ly/bzGkox). 

The feelings my whole family had upon viewing these photos were indescribable.  My wife had just come home and was stressed from a hard day at work when I called her over to take a look.  She immediately softened and began planning all the additional things we could send them.  I want to get a drive going to raise money for a laptop to send them.  Is someone up for leading this effort? 

In the meantime, if you have that pile of stuff/books/toys that your kids no longer need, please consider sending them to the Africa Zebras: 

Frank Bennin

P.O Box 719

Agona, Swedru

Ghana 

Since this post, they've just received our 3rd box of books and other things, which my son put together.  Here are those photos:

The customs inspector checking our 3rd box (from my son)!

Okay, people, now it's your turn! 

Do You Keep Secrets From Your Spouse? 

Is it ever okay to keep a secret from your spouse?  If so, what secrets are okay and which are not?  I would suggest there are times where a so-called “white lie” is a good thing while most of the time honesty is truly the best policy. 

An example of a good “white lie” is the ubiquitous situation in which a wife asks her husband, “Am I looking fat?” or “How do I look in this dress?”  We men know there’s only one answer, really: “You look great, Honey,” or some version of that. 

Yes, that is funny, but many life situations are not.  Blended families pose their own unique challenges, especially when both partners bring children to that blend.  Children naturally feel closer to their biological parent. Sometimes a biological child in a blended family will want to tell his or her mother or father something without it being revealed to their stepparent. I think this is an example of when keeping a secret may be okay. 

I posed this general question about keeping secrets on my Facebook page and here are a sample of the considerable number of responses: 

 -- It depends on the secret, but in general I believe that spouses should not keep secrets; this is your soul mate and best friend...
"Whoever goes about slandering reveals secrets, but he who is trustworthy in spirit keeps a thing covered." Proverbs 11:13

-- Before analyzing the secrets we keep from others, it all begins with the secrets we keep from ourselves.

-- Lies are usually born of pride and/or fear and there should be no pride or fear in love...

-- Oh and as far as blended families...bio has the first allegiance I feel...unless the kids were raised as infants or toddlers. Not many steps agree with this, but blood carries weight.

-- Spouses shouldn't keep secrets, however, we are all "flawed" humans, and that is where the shades of gray come in.

-- As women, we just need to vent sometimes and I have realized that occasionally--just depends on what it is--that it actually frustrates him because men are "fixers" and we don't always want to fix the problem, we just need to share it - get it off our chest.

-- I divide lies into white lies and black lies. White lies are for the protection of others (like focusing on positive aspects, praise, reassurance) while black lies protect me from all the awful things I’ve done (like I was unfaithful) and i should just fess up and take the punishment. 

It’s clear that this issue is incendiary and provokes strong feelings and reactions from both men and women.  I expect to get blasted for this next generality, but I believe women want “no secrets” withheld, more than men do.  My unscientific “A Dad’s Point-of-View” gender-poll at the gym got instant responses from the women that no secrets should be withheld, while the men were more reflective or replied, “it depends.”  

When I delved into it further with the women, they too would say that they needed to think about it some more.  The example of blended families and children feeling more comfortable opening up to their biological parent and asking that it be kept from their step-parent, usually got an “I’ll have to think about that” from these moms. 

When secrets are mentioned, the first thing most people think of is infidelity, which I will also assert may not always be a black and white issue.  Again, most women said they wanted to know, while most men were less sure and thought it may depend on circumstances.  Rather than delve into what might be an acceptable circumstance to keep an indiscretion a secret, I will leave that for you to ponder. Just by using the word “indiscretion,” I know I’m implying there may be situations where it may be better to keep it a secret. 

Okay, I can’t fully resist so I’ll share a hypothetical example.  Which would you prefer?  For your spouse to have a weekly, intimate, lunch with a co-worker and share their deepest feelings and thoughts (that him or her was not sharing with you) or for your spouse to have a one-night sexual liaison while away on business? 

What if the spouse now reveals this secret, this incident?  And, what if the partner just wouldn’t or couldn’t forgive the cheating incident?  A divorce may follow.  Untold pain and financial burdens accompany that process.  And the children are now split from a whole family.  Was it worth the truth in that case?  

Finally, what about things that happened before we were married?  Are we obligated to reveal any and every shameful incident from our past?  What good would it do?  Is it relevant?  For instance, any health-related past that might affect our partner or our children I believe should and must be disclosed.  But, does everything we may have done and possibly regretted really have to be told? 

Or, you can send e-mails, ahead of time, or during the broadcast to: bruce@brucesallan.com.

If you're not in Santa Barbara, you can listen to the show live through your computer. Just click on "live stream" on my Radio Show page. Past shows are available to hear anytime on my web-site.